Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
