Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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