I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
