Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Randomize
