TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
