Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
