I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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