tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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