My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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