we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
