He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
