Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
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