We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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