Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
