Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
