meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
