my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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