LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
