Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
