I seem to have left my pride at pride
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I need to align my fucking chakras
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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