she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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