I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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