Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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