Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
