grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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