If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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