I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
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