FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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