Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
