Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
