I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
