So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
