He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
BRING THE BAGELS
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
