I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Randomize
