we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
