My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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