My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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