You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
