walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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