Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
