where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
