I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
