I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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