Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
