she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
