My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Randomize
