it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
