The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
