I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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