No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
You pole danced in your parka.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize
