I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
